“What God intended for you go far beyond anything you can imagine.” Oprah Winfrey

I was in no way ready to date after I got my divorce, but that didn’t stop
me.  As I was trying to find myself, I continued to search for me through
other people.

One evening, I sat staring across the table into the face of someone I
barely knew, all I really wanted to do was to see my reflection even if it was
in the silverware on the table.  I wanted something to at least validate who
I was.  I had been hurt and deceived so much, that I was starting to doubt myself.

For three years, I had spent the majority of my time trying to make my
marriage work all by myself.  I didn’t realize that during the process I had
lost who I was.  Since I was not comfortable with myself, it was impossible
for me to be comfortable with someone else.  Many of my early relationships
lasted for a week or two. If I was lucky, they might last a month.

As the result of continuous failed relationships, I learned a very hard
lesson.  Any time you bring an X into a relationship, it is like excess
baggage -whether it is an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband.  Intimate
relationships were not designed for three people, inevitable someone will
have to go; usually it is the new person.

After my divorce, I was in still completing my residency.  Therefore, the people

that I dated were from the hospital, friends of coworkers or other residents.  I
was determined to find someone to share my life with, so I tried not to
restrict myself by height, race or financial status.

When I first started dating, I set my goal, to at least have someone to go
to dinner with.  I don’t think I had a long range plan. After all, I had
just gotten out of a marriage.  Dating was just a way for me not to be alone.
But sometimes, it is better to be alone, than to wish you were.

I remember one time going out with a police officer, even though I was not
interested in him.  All I could think was that I had a bird stuck under the
hood of my car and I wanted him to help me get it out.  The fact that he
was also going to take me to dinner made it even the better.

Although it was not hard to find someone to spend time with, finding a
compatible mate was more challenging.  There were men that wouldn’t even date
me because I was a surgeon.  One guy who I was dating that was also in the
medical profession told me, “I am looking for someone more like a Barbra
Bush and you are more I like a Hillary Clinton.”

I just didn’t get it.  My peers didn’t want to date me because I was
assertive and I had a mind on my own.  Other men didn’t want to date me
because I made too much money and I was intimidating to them.

It was at that point, I began to understand emotional abuse in relationships.
I found out that if man could not play with me on an income level; he would
try to bring me down to his level by using the belittling game.  He would
talk about my weight, the size of my head or anything he could say that
would make me feel inferior.

Over the next few years it became a viscous cycle.  I wanted companionship
but I didn’t realize it was at any cost.

Finally, I had enough and I decided to turn to the internet.  As a professional

woman with very little time this seemed like a perfect option.   I also had just moved to Dallas at the time and did not know many people.

I know that a lot of people have luck with internet dating but I was not
one of them.  I felt like I was in a pond of fish.  One guy on the internet
might be chatting with 15 other women at the same time.

Then I realized not to get my hopes up because the picture on the
dating site could be at least 10 years old.  A lot of things can change in a
year, let alone 10 years.

The other factor I found in internet dating was that some of the men were so
socially awkward that they could barely carry on a conversation; therefore,
having a meaningful encounter was out of the question.  It didn’t take long
to find out why they had reverted to internet dating in the first place.

After several bad dates, I met a guy who was an architect.  At first, I
thought he had potential.  Then after going out with him, I found out that
he had a type “A” personality and was not willing to bend for anything.

One day we were supposed to have dinner after I got off work.  I told him I
would be there in about an hour.  I arrived 17 minutes early, and he became
unglued.   I just wanted to say, “Dude chill out, it is not that serious.”

That was my waving red flag for him.  However, I continued to try to find my
match on the internet but after so many bad experiences my girlfriend
Dorrette and I developed a code.  Fifteen minutes into my date she would
call me.  If the date was going well I would respond, “Thank you for calling
nurse, I am glad everything is going well at the hospital.”

However, if this was the date from Hell, I would say, “Oh, thanks so much
for letting me know nurse, I will get there as soon as possible.”

If she heard the second response, she would begin laughing uncontrollable.
She knew I had used her call as a life jacket.   And, I was about to bail out
of a bad date before I drowned.

Yet, I had one date that was so bad that even Dorrette’s call couldn’t save
me.  This guy had told me that he stood out in a crowd.  When, I met him I
realized that he stood out because he was so big, it was hard to miss him.
Right away, I knew that we had no chemistry and this was going to be a
complete waste of my time.

I was so relieved when Dorrette finally called me.  After hanging up with
her, I explained to him there was an emergency at the hospital and I was
going to have to leave.  But he would not accept my excuse.  He told me that
he was concerned about me.  In order to assure everything was okay, he
decided to follow me to the hospital.

As I got in my car, I was about to explode.  I could not believe this guy did
not get the hint.  Heading toward the hospital, I drove as fast as I could. I
was determined to lose him but no matter what I did he kept up with me.

Even when I got to the hospital he hung around, I could not shake him no
matter what I did.  Finally, after waiting around for an hour he escorted me
home.

I don’t know when I realized it but at some point during my dating I
decided that being with someone was not the magical solution.  For 16 months
I didn’t even go out with anybody.  I just focused on living life to the
fullest.  I found an inner peace; I learned just to be happy with being with
me.  Finally, I got to the place where being a lone wasn’t such a bad thing.

In fact, it was a good thing.  I embraced the fact that I was single.  I began
to enjoy working out and being healthy.  I learned to love the time I spent
with my family and friends.  I stopped searching to find happiness, because
I found a joy deep inside of me.

Then one day, I was meeting a friend, Baisal for lunch.  I was trying to get
into the room where I was supposed to meet him and it looked like the door
was open.  But when I pulled on the door I realized it was locked.  This
handsome guy stepped out of nowhere and opened the door for me.

I later found out his name was Gerald and he was joining us for lunch.
Even though we didn’t talk much, it was later revealed that he was
interested in me.

A week later, we met again.  When we talked, it was without any struggle, our
conversation was almost effortless.  We went from eating lunch, to shopping,
to eating dinner.  It didn’t take long for us to start communicating every
day.

It has been a year and a half, and our relationship has continued to
blossom.  I now realize that Gerald not only opened the door for me, he
released me to experience a wonderful loving relationship.

Yet, before I met him I had become content with being by myself.  I had
learned the benefit of getting to really know who I was.  I know realize when
you stop looking for something, you will in evitable find it.
I am currently working on my book, Moving Forward: How One Woman Took Her Life Back.  For more information, please contact me at camille@drcamillegraham.com.

By: Dr. Camille Graham and Sylvia Dunnavant